Selectively Juggling

I miss the thought of the past… the overall vibe, music, freedoms and lack of responsibility. I miss the fresh-faced and open-hearted naivety, mixed with the sense of awe, wonder and self-belief. I miss me … the version that was lighter, more ignorant and not yet weighed down with the critical consciousness of adulthood. I miss the music, the euphoria of new emotions pulsating through my awakening body and mind. I miss the limited world view, where my life basically consisted of a small stage and cast. I miss the ignorant bliss, the not knowing and not feeling compelled to right wrongs. I miss the time when I was front and centre of my own existence- I’ve long since consciously and graciously made space for my family , my daughter with rare support needs and my two twice-exceptional or 2e sons. I relegated myself to supporting cast, props, lighting, sound, producer and research. Obviously the role doesn’t pay, I have to fund it by working in a paid job.

I miss being so utterly consumed by the moment- complete and utter flow. The excitement of digging in the dirt, hoping that as an eight year old I’d unearth or excavate some ancient skeletal remains, artefacts or gold. The thrill of abandonment- of riding my bike up hill and turning back around and free wheeling it downhill as fast as humanly possibly. The feel and sounds of the wind gushing over my face and ears, legs off the pedals as I shrieked with unbridled joy.

I miss the simple things, not needing to do the grocery shopping or decide what’s for dinner – day in and day out.

I long for the days when 24 hours felt like a whole week, and not merely a second.

I long for the sweet innocence of childhood, of being so incredibly obsessed with my dogs – they were my loyal confidantes and best friends. They sensed my emotions and knew when I needed a nudge.

I miss being small and looking up at my parents, completely absorbed in their words and voices. Listening with my whole body – eagerly awaiting each new moment of attention (being the 8th child of 10 kids living in poverty – this didn’t happen as much as was needed)

I miss the feelings encoded into the memories- yet I know all of those moments are coiled together and knitted tightly into my very fabric. I am all of that and more. I don’t need to be sad or despondent- I just play the music and feel the energy of memory. I miss me and yet I am here – I just need to dig down through the layers to find the girl I was, she is protected by the woman I have become.