Selectively Juggling

I’m driven much more by a simmering, yet robust internal moral compass. I’m driven by my deeply intrinsic goals – goals about myself, my sense of purpose and identity. Such goals act as personal signposts and goalposts which are internally motivated and have no bearing on other people’s journey through life. Such goals act as my operational manual, and unspoken life mission. Intrinsic goals are much more about how to embrace life’s process, how to master my sense of self, my way of being in the world – building resilience, tenacity and compassion. For example my implicit goal of building healthy life boundaries so I will be able to live more healthily and authentically.

My extrinsic personal goals are much less abstract, and more about attaining socially acceptable outcomes- better job, physical health and more money etc. The goals matter, but do not exist on their own. My intrinsic and extrinsic personal goals need to be coherently connected, or otherwise I’d become a heaving mass of cognitive dissonance. My morals and values which are the drivers and motivators need to be present in my ‘outcome’ orientated goals, or otherwise I’m faced with the possibility of being a hypocrite. And I abhor hypocrisy. An example would be if my implicit goal was to be more compassionate (including self-compassion) while ensuring I carefully enact personal boundaries preventing further narcissistic abuse from an estranged sibling, yet I failed to respect and have compassion for others in my pursuit of financial security, or professional advancement or other goals. There needs to be crystal clear clarity and coherence between my internal and external motivations, goals and expectations. Otherwise I’d be crippled with existential angst and personal misalignment. I’d be out of balance and struggling with a heavy conscience.

I guess it all comes down to intrinsically knowing or wanting to know my purpose, passions and worth. These aren’t tangible measurable physical phenomena, that I can hold in my hand or deposit into a bank account. They’re psychological and philosophical building blocks that help build my foundations. The extrinsic personal goals are much more tangible, I can see, feel, smell and touch them. I can see them, measure them, count them. They don’t just represent a virtual outcome, but also often help reinforce, strengthen or shape implicit drivers.

If I’m not emotionally invested or driven by intrinsic goals, then any major achievement or accomplishment will effectively feel meaningless, or not as significant as it should or could. The relentless pursuit of outcomes and more ‘stuff’ is not what keeps me warm at night, it may put a nice roof over my head, nutritionally good food on the table and premium petrol in my car, but it doesn’t touch me at my core. It’s my personal goals, of my need and desire to live and behave in a particular way, that helps me fall asleep once my head hits the pillow.

I guess I’m conscious of my desire for more stuff, but the intrinsic goals of not wanting to need more, helps shape my very conscience. I’m consciously conscious of my conscience. ☺️