Selectively Juggling

What’s something you’ve done that you never thought you could?

I’ve bungee jumped – that took an inordinate amount of courage to launch myself off the platform and soar like an eagle. Albeit for a moment before gravity worked its magic and twisted and contorted by body as it fell. It was a metaphor come to life, a brilliant experience.

I’ve sat in the neurologist’s office, managing to breathe as they explained my almost 3-year old daughter had a rare disorder – complete with benign brain tumour, epilepsy and moderate intellectual disability. That was excruciatingly difficult- but I survived it. I learned to let go, accept, breathe, grieve and reimagine a new life. I did that! Me …

I’ve sat in the darkened hospital room, holding my dad – singing gently as he traversed his final corridors of life. I held him gently as he took his last breaths. I did that and I did it beautifully – graciously and respectfully. I did that! Me …

Four months ago I gently released the white rose and watched it fall upon my mother’s coffin. I watched as it disappeared into the open earth. I managed that – I found my grounding – my voice! I did that! Me …

I graduated from high school and the hallowed halls of The University of Sydney. Me! The 8th child of ten children – the only one to finish school, let alone climb out of the flooded subterranean of poverty and trauma. I did that! Me …

Just like each one of us, I’ve made it through days that I thought would break me. Likewise, I’ve experienced incredible joys and awe inspiring sceneries. I sat within a horse and carriage, giggling with my father as we made our way along old paved Dutch roads – marrying my Dutch husband. I did that! Me … the Australian girl who was born into housing commission poverty and trauma.

I floated in the warm Icelandic waters – lost to the beauty of the land of fire and ice. I did that! Me … alone and it was life changing!

I’ve laid under ancient stars – surrounded by the ancient Australian bush. Another dream come true!

I’ve watched as my darling three year old daughter grew older, funnier, more assertive and more capable. I’ve watched her develop and grow – achieving milestones that I thought she’d never meet – let alone surpass.

I’ve watched my two wonderful sons grow into wonderful humans – highly intelligent and neurodivergent. I’ve watched them as they become thoughtful and considerate people.

I’ve achieved so much, lost, grieved, loved and explored. I’ve surprised myself with just how much I’ve grown, and more importantly how I’ve worked hard at practicing self-care, self-love and self-compassion. I realised that in order to carry the weight of my responsibilities I needed to take care of myself, my resilience and my energy. Something I wasn’t raised to do, I had to break the mould and become the social and family outlier or black sheep. I had to let go of the need to be accepted and learn to unmask.