Selectively Juggling

Starting a blog was going to be a type of catharsis for me. I envisioned feeling a great sense of release … have I? Yes, on some levels yes. There is a great sense of personal achievement, and an appreciation that I’ve been able to ‘get my act together’ enough to have the time and energy to Blog. Yes, my Blog is pretty low key and basic compared to many others, but, hey that is okay. Just like me, my Blog is a work in progress.

On another level, I have been somewhat disappointed with how difficult it is to attract readers, to resonate with others. Is this an ego based response? or is it deeper? This disappointment isn’t about a sense of pride and ego. It is deeper than that, it’s more an issue of unrealistic expectations of myself and blogging. Whilst also being about my deep desire to connect, inspire and resonate with others. I believe this is my deepest disappointment, as I know my life experiences, my perceptions, experience as a special needs parent, a narcissist’s victim, counsellor and, highly intuitive person give me an unusual take on life. My words aren’t just empty noise, they are considered, and thoughtful, inspired and intentional. They’re an extension of myself. They matter, and I don’t give them away freely.

Blogging has proven to be a whole new learning journey for me. I am being forced to curb my ‘bull out of the gate’ attitude and replace it with a much gentler, patient attitude, to simply slow down, enjoy the ride, and be in the MOMENT. It’s about learning to appreciate each step along my Blogging journey. The excitement of my first follower, the excitement of each Blogging milestone I make. I was so thrilled to receive my first likes for my writing. I hope that sense of appreciation never changes. I don’t want to take people for granted. In a world were most people are time poor, I am mindfully aware of the gift of time.

In retrospect, it’s purely about mindful blogging, and writing, and by extension Mindfulness in all areas of my life. It’s a lot like a relationship, where it’s important to understand what we need to get from the relationship, what we are capable of giving and what our expectations are. Managing expectations, whilst at the same time challenging and extending ourselves. The only way I will truly know if I can actually write, and blog, is by actually doing it. It is about me being brave, courageous and resilient. It is also about having faith in myself, my purpose and life. I am co-creator of my life… Oh and we all know that relationships take work. Therefore by association, blogging takes energy, commitment , time and passion.

I love the process of writing, of sitting down and simply allowing the words to tumble … falling out onto the page. Is it intuitive writing? inspired? Is most writing somehow inspired, as if writers are conduits. Isn’t most art inspired. I know that when I am writing, or have a Camera in my hand I fall into a deep sense of flow. My awareness of time and space can somehow be suspended, all I feel is complete joy and flow. This is even more pronounced when I an completely engrossed in photography. It is as though I fall into myself, I am completely mindful when looking down the lens. All the noise, all the superfluous unimportant crap pales into insignificance. All my focus, awe and passionate energy is fixated on the incredible scene, nature and beauty of the moment.

I seem to have answered my own questions about my purpose, and my expectations of blogging. My reality is that it’s not the end product, the ‘blog post’ or ‘final photo’ that keeps me going. It is the whole process, the joy of writing, of holding a camera in my hand. It is the joy of stopping, and simply allowing the words to fall, the image to manifest itself. Don’t get me wrong I love the final product, but I get more joy out of creating, of writing, of editing. Does it matter if hardly anyone reads my blogs? I guess in the scheme of things, no it doesn’t. Obviously I would love to have an audience that engaged with me, challenged me, inspired me. Perhaps that will evolve, I hope so. All I can do is keep creating, I cannot control our others respond to me. I can however, control how I respond to my blogging highs and lows.

If not, it doesn’t change the fact that being creative is cathartic. It is healing, it is a reflective process where I am at my esoteric best. It is where the thinker, becomes a creator as well. It is both being and doing. This is the magical power of blogging, especially when I am happy to be vulnerable, raw and authentic. I want to platform to be about expressing real human emotion. It is about sharing love, sharing respect and understanding that in a world where so many are hurting, I can put something out into the universe that is positive and inspired.