I am the 8th child of 10 children. I have always flown under the radar, and danced to the beat of my own drum. I was a mix of precociousness, naivety, exuberance, shyness, sensitivities and athleticism. I excelled at what I loved, and completely sucked at what I disliked. (hello neurospicey) My life was all about asynchrony. My life was all about running, sports, my dogs, my sisters, reading, riding my bike, collecting rocks and learning everything about anything interesting. Boredom, wasn’t something I knew.
I have always had an irrepressible need to stand up against social injustices (Hence, my chosen profession) Especially those injustices happening within the confines of my immediate family and school environment. I lived in a world of kaleidoscopic colour, yet understood the urgency and weight of the black and white unspoken rules that existed in order to maintain social cohesion and belonging. It was tough, given that we moved around quite a lot (due to living in relative poverty). I attended 4 different high schools (thrust upon me – not through choice) Even if I didn’t want to, I was compelled to stand up to bullies, for myself and others. I was compelled to protect myself, and do as much as I could for others. Even if I didn’t want to, I really couldn’t fight my inner nature and need for doing what I knew was right. It was like my intuitive self was highly engaged, and knew what needed to be done. If you know what I am talking about, you just get it. Being a smart and sensitive soul, doesn’t always endear you to others. Add to that my great pattern recognition skills and ability to suss out a narc a mile off. These traits do not make for a popular kid.
I always felt different to most of my siblings (except my 2 younger sisters) I was the complete opposite of my older siblings, so much so that on my first day of high school (I was 11 &1/2) the Maths Master said in a harsh but hushed voice “if you’re anything like your sister A…, then there’s no room at this school for you!” I literally wanted to fall into a personally-sized, made to order sink-hole. Instead, I’m sure I stood there, small, unthreatening and confused. I’m sure my eyes would have widened in total disbelief and shock – colour draining from my face, while at the same time my cheeks blushing in shame. Of course I didn’t tell my parents, as they had enough that they were dealing with. Instead I wore it like a badge of honour, of self-efficacy and self-encouragement, an impetus to change or simply reclaim my space. I showed him that I was the complete opposite of my older sisters and brothers. I worked hard and did well, but I didn’t fit in. I was a Zebra amongst horses, or an octopus amongst clown fish. I didn’t fit in and I felt out of place. I remember always finishing work before everyone, and the teachers always having word puzzles, crosswords for me to work on while others were finishing. I saw that I was different. I am going to be completely honest, I actually felt like an only child at times. I felt out of place within my family (except for my baby sisters – who I always saw as soul sisters)
Although my parents had no money, and we lived in relative poverty, they managed to get me into a catholic girls high school. My parents would have done their utmost to get me into that school. I was most probably some charity case – but I don’t care. My parents saw something different in me that needed protecting and encouraging. I relished being at the new girls school, away from the large co-ed high school. It was great being at a school, where I was free to be ‘me’ and not compared to my siblings. It was freeing, and crucial to my development. However, it didn’t last long, before we had to move again. Where once again I was thrust into a whole new landscape, a whole new school battleground. That was tough on so many levels. Yes, I am resilient and resourceful as a result of needing to be. That next school experience would be prove to be very traumatising – there is no space to delve into that here.
It was when I finally learned to accept myself, my quirks, strengths and areas of need that I knew what belonging felt like. Feeling out of place, has nothing to do with those around me, but is completely dependent upon how I feel and see myself. I do feel out of place with some of my siblings, especially those who are conservative racists and unwilling to view the world through the lens of compassion and understanding. I can’t accept hate and ignorance, regardless if the person is family or not, and to do so would feel like hypocrisy.
What does it really mean to feel out of place? Is it about some form of cognitive dissonance, or lack of self-acceptance and understanding of who we really are? Is it about what we want, what we desire? I think it can be a good thing to feel out of place, especially if we use it as a litmus test to gauge our sense of apathy, or conversely moral compass. Surely, is it not good to feel out of place, when standing amongst those who freely spew hate and venom? Then, eventually when we stand amongst like-minded souls, we can feel a sense of belonging, acceptance and shared humanity.
Selectively Juggling 
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