Selectively Juggling

Describe something you learned in high school.

Whilst in high school I continued to learn that I was somewhat different to my siblings. How? Pretty obvious when your parents who were struggling through their individual and collective grief, and living below the poverty line, moved heaven and earth to move me to a catholic girls college. They said I was different from my siblings, more sensitive, intelligent and in need of a different school culture, than the large local co-ed high school.

I learned what it took to adjust, as I had to attend four different high schools. I learned what feeling like an outsider felt like. I then learned what it felt like to make a real friend, real friends.

On my first day of high school I learned about implicit and explicit bias. I felt its cold sharp edge wound my young spirit; As I heard “If you’re anything like your sister, then there’s no room for you at this school”. Well, I showed him! I showed him that I was my own person, polar opposites to my sister. I was studious, quiet and respectful. You can see why my parents moved me.

In my later high school years, I learned about the cruel and violent ways drugs and drug induced psychosis can impact families. I learned to hate my brother for all the pain and abuse he spewed over me, my siblings and parents. I learned vicariously through my siblings poor choices, knowing instinctively that I would or could never turn to drugs. Believe me, you learn this during moments of real fear, of attempting to stop your older brother (6.4f) and as strong as an ox from breaking down the front door, the only thing stopping him is your sheer determination and fear-based adrenaline. Knowing full well that if he got in the house, there would be violence, pain and more dark memories needing to be locked away.

I learned about having dreams and goals, of seeing the world as greater than just myself and family and immediate sphere. I learned that I could escape the cycle of poverty, despair and trauma. I learned that my parents were doing their best, given the historical chain of traumatic loss and associated grief. I learned compassion and empathy. It would take me a little while before I learned true self-love and self-compassion. I learned about the responsibilities and joys of having a sister with profound disabilities. I learned about the various forms of human expression, and the incredible love and commitment my parents had towards my sister.

I learned about deep unrequited emotions and feelings. I learned about the joys of dance, of being free to be the best bigger sister to my two younger sisters. We became inseparable, protecting and challenging each other. I learned to fly under the radar (a trauma response reaction that’s served me both well and unwell)

I learned to lean into my thoughts, feelings and emotions and process them as needed. I learned that I needed and wanted more than my expected life trajectory would allow, so I learned to wiggle free of my social confines, and forge my own way forward. I learned the power of my imagination, both its incredible power to build or erode my sense of self.

Ps I am the 8th child of 10 children

And I learned that I could achieve what I believed. I got myself to The University of Sydney and completed a fulfilling degree. A degree which now, when coupled with my lived experience, enables me to help others address their challenges.