Selectively Juggling

People arrive at a particular point on their journey where they finally realise they cannot control or influence another person’s perspectives or expectations. In fact, they simply need to let go of the expectations of others, especially those whose actions show that they have no intention of meeting expectations; it can act as a great catharsis, a realisation that other people do not control your power, choices, hopes, dreams and goals. More importantly, that other person’s perceptions and expectations say more about them than it says about you. Why should we frame our own life, our own narrative through the voice and lens of another? Especially when those other voices and frames may not be genuine, compassionate or loving. We all deserve more. We are all worthy of much more than simply being emotional fodder to the disingenuous.

Why am I writing about this? Great question, really. This is about processing my thoughts and reflections, especially around particular family member’s unrealistic expectations and harsh, judgemental perceptions based on their own personal bias and fear. I can’t get into specifics for fear that this will be read by said family members, further adding fuel to what has been a slow-white-hot long-burning fire. It has been flamed through ignorance, hatred, dislike and prejudice. Fires like this grow well within the shadows of insatiable fear, lies, misinformation and ignorance. Even more sad is that people’s external ‘faces’ mask their internalised thoughts, actions and intentions. It’s a case of hiding from society; what they know is unpalatable behaviours and energy towards others. It literally is a case of a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

It is an undeniably important life lesson to learn that both our own and other’s expectations can cause us considerable pain and feelings of loss and grief. The feelings of loss and grief centre around discovering that what you thought was a decent person was simply a facade under which a narcissistic, self-centred person lurked. What you thought should be a simple process, a simple act of human kindness, love, respect and authenticity, is nothing other than smoke and mirrors, and what lies below is a seething sea of loathing and ill-thought, selfishness and contempt. So, in fact you are left grieving what could have been, what you thought was. Even more sadly, as these people age, their hearts and minds have continued to harden. Ignorance was never an excuse, and I refuse to accept it now, not a minute longer. What makes it even more difficult is that their behaviours, actions and perceptions are entirely juxtaposed against the love, compassion and loyalty I share with my closest loved ones.

So what can one do? Do we choose to wallow in self-pity? Choose to see our reflections through their harsh words and eyes? Or do we reclaim ourselves for who we are, breaking the shackles of their words and actions? I choose to reframe my internal narrative; i choose to see myself as I am, not through the eyes of others who have no idea of the real me or my incredible personal attributes and strengths. I choose not to give their voice and actions any more power over my thoughts and actions. They do not pay me rent, yet I have allowed them free board and lodging inside my mind/head for way too long. It’s eviction time!

So, do you have someone who misjudges you? Labels you? Controls you? Someone whose voice needs to be quietened so you can allow your internal flame to grow, your voice, passion and personal agency to find its wings? Is it time to let go of those expectations, perceptions that cause nothing other than pain and fear? Live is to be lived, to be shared with those we love, respect and cherish. Not to be miserable, locking ourselves within the internal narratives written by others who fail to truly understand, care or empathise. It’s your story, write it. It’s my story, and I am going to embrace my own unique voice, narrative and tone. It’s my story arc, and my characterisation. They can both exit stage left, until such a time they realise the harm and trauma they have caused to both myself and my loved ones, especially my kids. And to be honest, my kids also deserve the best version of myself, where I am setting goals, reaching dreams and believing that I am worth more than I have been shown. After all, I am modelling these behavioural patterns for them to learn from.