Selectively Juggling

Navigating the world of estranged relationships, okay, attempting to anyway

Healthy Boundaries

There can often be a harsh, almost discordant contrast between our hopes, dreams, lived experiences and realities. When I say the word family, for some, it conjures up warm fuzzy feelings of ‘acceptance’ ‘unconditional love and respect’ and yet for others it leaves a cold hard feeling in the pit of your stomach, a foul taste in your mouth, or indeed feelings of complex loss and grief.

If you’re anything like me, the word family has shape-shifted from its once simple definition that I naively clung to as a child, to one that now is imbued with ambiguity, confusion and frustration. As the 8th child of 10 children, I have experienced the full spectrum of sibling friendships, rivalry, abuse and vitriol. I’m blessed to have a sister who I know would walk arm-in-arm through the fires of hell and back with me, in many ways and on many levels she has. She embodies the personal attributes that I respect, love and like. In fact, strangely enough, we have never had a falling out, not once … ever. Don’t let our smiles fool you, they’ve been forged through life’s fire.

I have other siblings who’ve deemed us to be the ‘familial punching bags’ or, even worse their ’emotional yo-yos or pendulums’. You know how narcs operate, they love bomb you, pull you in close, and then maliciously wound you, gaslighting you into ‘questioning’ yourself, and through the haze of gaslight you fall into their sticky web again, eventually forgiving their actions and behaviours. In fact, that narc and victim dance becomes entrenched or meshed within the very fabric of the relationship, especially when you are 10 and 13 years younger than the narc, and you’ve grown up reliant on their support and guidance. I guess it’s easier to target the youngest ones in the family. My family is not unique. Far from it, I believe it’s becoming more and more common for families to be fractured, broken and fragmented. Count yourself extremely lucky, trying never to take it for granted if you’re blessed enough to have. a healthy, connected and close family. The life lessons I’ve learned throughout this process, have been immense. Ranging from understanding the true value of resilience, loyalty, compassion and vulnerability. It has helped me to reframe life, shift my perspective and let go of some of my naivety.

So, in order to regain my personal power, strength and voice I’ve needed to surgically cut those cords of toxicity, instead erecting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Is this ideal? of course not! No, what it is, is self-love, self-compassion and self-respect. Yes that’s a lot of “selfs” , however it’s crucial that we learn to love and respect ourselves, see our true worth and purpose. Surely, you’re worth it, I know i am. Really at the end of the day, we need to clearly show others that we are not willing to accept anything other than love, respect and compassion. I think it took loosing my incredible dad, holding him as he passed away to truly understand the true value of love, compassion, self-worth and family. Fractures that had been present before his death, somehow morphed into gapping crevices. Dad had been the glue, the mediator, the person who held us together. Yet, after he died, I took a long hard look at life, meaning, and purpose.