Hanging by a thread

Perhaps it’s because my Dad’s birthday is today, and this will be his 3rd birthday since his passing. I miss him to the moon and back. Perhaps it’s the cumulative stresses of covid-19 lockdowns, work commitments, and attempting to help steer my family through some pretty tumultuous times. All I know is that the last 2-3 days have been somewhat challenging, enough to bring me to tears. Not that I’m drowning or anything … much more like I have been standing at the edge of a wild, untamed ocean. where I have felt the constant, yet somewhat melodic ebbs and flows of life. Metaphoric waves that were gently lapping at my soles have now turned to an intermittent tempo of waves engulfing me, albeit for a split second, but enough for me to lose my footing, and grapple with finding ‘me’. I find myself trying to ground and balance … trying to catch my breath and sadly realising that sometimes my ‘good enough’ isn’t always going to be enough.

I cannot be everything to everyone, especially if I fail to fully realise my own potential, and take care of my own health and wellbeing. The waves and the ocean are not my enemies, in fact, they are just the Universes’ energy, prompting me, coaxing me, encouraging and inspiring me to ‘practice what I preach’. To embody self-love and self-compassion.

And to be honest, my parenting responsibilities are somewhat greater than a few, given I have a daughter with additional support needs, due to a rare genetic disorder and disabilities. And, if I am to be brutally honest, my two sons are also dancing on the outskirts of the kingdom of Quirkiness. Both with incredibly gifted minds, but each struggling with the challenges of being a young person in what can be a somewhat royally fucked up world. Just look around at the hate, the ignorance and the ostriches with their collective heads in the sand. Times are definitely in ‘flux’, are we amidst a paradigm shift or two? I imagine so.

I’m going to reel this in somewhat as I didn’t intend to make this a post about parenting, or other ‘stuff’. I wanted to really write about breaking through the barriers, the thoughts, the self-sabotage and limitation, the perspectives that can keep us stagnant, fearful and indifferent. I realised that I needed to get out for the day, take my Camera and just allow mother nature and the abundant bush (forest or woods to non-Aussies) to help me gain a new perspective, ground and re-evaluate ‘life’. I needed to challenge myself, quite literally kick myself up the bum, to try and recharge, reignite and recalibrate.

I have been doing intermittent fasting for the last 4-months (My window for eating is from 1pm-9pm) I decided to pack some cashews and juicy sultanas, a small picnic lunch and a large bottle of cool spring water and head out for a walk. I even threw in some panadol and ‘tiger balm’ because my back has been sore, but I wasn’t going to let a sore back, stop me from relishing in some much needed ‘me time’ in nature. I packed my camera bag,. grabbed my car keys, called out ‘seeya’ to the hubby (who has been working from home for 2-years . that’s a whole other post … believe me) and my 16-yo son who is studying through distance education. As I drove away I felt a surge of positive energy. I felt like I was getting some of my old spark back … I definitely felt a shift in perspective. My plan was starting to work. I just needed to trust ‘me’ more, honour me with much-needed health and wellbeing time. I’m no martyr, it was time to stop living like one.

I parked the car, laced up my hiking shoes, grabbed the phone and Camera Bag (filled with my sumptuous goodies) It wasn’t a huge walk, just less than 10km, but given that it included some steep rocky and undulating areas, I felt I did quite well. And I will be honest, I haven’t been bushwalking half as much as I usually do. I think that I have essentially been stuck in a rut, or busy trying to ‘selectively juggle; the essential ‘life items’ like taking care of my kid’s needs, working and getting through Covid lockdown.

I didn’t encounter another soul, it was just me the birds, the trees, the wild spring flowers and the invigorating warm spring sunshine. I found myself slipping into ‘flow’ into the complete and utter present moment. All thoughts of ‘this’ and ‘that’ flitted away, replaced with feelings of calmness, joy and gratitude. My hands felt the promise of my Camera and my mind’s eye saw the revelations that nature chose to show me. I love the sensation of time stopping, revealing moments of pure magic, just my breath and the camera lens. My camera literally challenges me to live in the moment, to seriously and completely ground myself in the present. The world and its issues fall away, and I am left with the incredible message and metaphor that nature is blessing me with. I stand in awe, silently mesmerised and absorbing the ancient energies of the bush. I’m grateful that the area I live in has an abundance of Aboriginal energy and sites. Although not indigenous myself, I imagine their ancient ancestors looking over the land, watching me as I pass by. I give thanks to them, their journey and their struggle.

I am grateful that I stopped feeling miserable, and stuck in a rut, instead forcing myself to head out into nature. Mother nature didn’t disappoint, and she put on an incredible display of beauty. I watched in awe as sunlight and shade danced upon the face of wildflowers. I watched as bees and butterflies filled the air. I stood still and watched large ants as they tirelessly worked their way towards the nests, reinforcing it. I stood still and listened to the sounds of birds, as their calls reverberated throughout the bush. My skin tinged with joy. I saw patterns everywhere, where rocks had buckled under the pressure of holding up large boulders, of leaves twisted and gnarled, exquisite red gum tree trunks adorned with peeling bark. I saw that nature was littered with ‘change’, with plants and rocks embracing ‘change’, learning and growing from adversity, from the struggle. I stood in the pristine Bushland and listened with my whole being, there was no distraction, no technology (other than my Camera) It was me ‘raw’ ‘exposed’ ‘vulnerable’ and ‘perfectly imperfect’. I realised that I was feeling exactly how I was meant to feel. I was where I was meant to be. I was who I was exactly meant to be.

I stood and watched a wilting leaf spin in the spring breeze. It was attached by the thinnest of sun-drenched golden spider silken threads. It spun, it twirled, it rotated and yet it did so with gusto, grace and purpose. It made me shift my perspective, and I was able to see both what was there, as well as what wasn’t there. Yes, the leaf was wilting and hanging by a thread, but it did so with such confidence and presence. It was captivating. I realised that some of those invisible threads that hold us together, even when we may feel threadbare, are incredibly tough, tenacious and capable of bearing much pressure and responsibility. I saw that I was both the leaf and the thread.

Resilience is an amazing thing, yet so is the understanding or realisation that our vulnerability is a gift. And to be honest, it’s those moments where we feel that the world around us had gotten a little dark or a lot more than a little, we can truly see just how amazingly resilient, vulnerable and beautiful we are. Pardon the pun, but I’m going to take a leaf out of nature’s book and realise that I’m never quite hanging on my own, and even if I am, I’m connected to nature, to my higher self, to other’s past and present.