Attitude of Gratitude … Musings

I’ve had a big week at work, with a team building and planning day, hosting and facilitating the final of 4 large Zoom meetings, as well as working with my usual clients, and taking on new cases. Rewarding, challenging and exhausting. However, I am grateful that I have a good profession, and can humbly say that I’m relatively decent at what I do. Could I be better? Absolutely… and as a perfectionist (albeit not in all the areas of my life) I know that I just have to accept that I can’t be perfect, that there are always issues, people, aspects that I can’t control. No one is perfect, and basically PERFECT DOES NOT EXIST.

There is great freedom in knowing my strengths and weakness. I can’t be perfect, I can’t plan for every unforeseen issue, but what I can do is accept that I am good enough, and build healthy work-life boundaries. So that my working life doesn’t bleed all over my life. As a mental health clinician I have experienced compassion fatigue and burnout, which my friend is not good when I have my own family. And a family with it’s own raft of special needs and issues. I cannot stress enough the importance of healthy boundaries, whether they be work/family, family/self or any other relationship that runs the risk of becoming unbalanced.

Is it my dream job? the goal that I aspire to? No, definitely, NOT! However as a pragmatic realist, I know that I need to embrace it and honour it, do my best and give 100%. I am grateful for the opportunity to live in a country where women and girls are afforded more than just basic human rights, but where we are encouraged and pushed to study, work hard and achieve personal independence.

Last night I watched ‘The Fisherman’s Diary’. I should have read the info, before I watched, as I was not mentally and emotionally prepared to be flung into the violent and depressing world of child and women’s rights and violations, childhood brides and violence against women. It was a beautiful movie, in terms of having two incredible protagonists (which were based on real life stories), however the antagonists, the violence, the oppression and overwhelming sense of helplessness was very confronting. Yes, in the end the heroine of the movie reclaimed her sense of self, her right to shine bright, and receive an education. However not before enduring the horrors of being made a child bride, having all trust and hope ripped from before her innocent eyes.

I sat there at 12:30 am, I should have been fast asleep in my safe and comfortable bed, but instead I had tears streaming down my face. I sat in the dark, with a very heavy heart, and a soul that ached for every woman, man and child that has, is and will suffer oppressive physical, sexual, emotional, financial, economic, educational, social violence and control. I sat alone, in my darkened loungeroom, all but for the dying embers of my wood fire heater, and the quiet melancholy ‘hoot hoot’ of a lone Boobook Owl in a nearby tree. The movie had been deep, and I needed to process what I had just watched, I needed to come up for air and make sense of what was beyond my comprehension.

I looked around at my life, my things , my place and felt both a sense of relief, but a sharp short stab of guilt, pain and shame. How was this even possible? how can these worlds exist or coexist, side by side, in contemporary society? How is it fair that my children, were all well fed, well loved, well educated (had access to good equitable education)? I had a million thoughts and questions ruminating inside my emotionally over stimulated mind. I did eventually fall asleep, broken sleep punctuated with vivid and lucid dreaming. My dreams have enough content to write multiple blogs, oh the stories I could and will tell you.

My children know what it is to have the luxury of warm, safe beds to sleep in, they know what it feels like to wake up each day and have a choice of a full plate of healthy, fresh and nutritious food, and fresh-fresh running water. Even, my incredibly beautiful 14-yo daughter, with her special needs, and medical needs will live a full and beautiful life, fully participating in all domains of society.

I can only imagine If I had been living in Cameroon (where the movie was filmed), as an African mum, would I have lost my baby girl at age 5 or 6, as we wouldn’t have had access to her epilepsy or benign brain tumour medicine? Would I have slaved in a menial and laborious job, a thankless job day in day out, where the wages barely covered basic needs? Would I perhaps need to sell my body to feed my family, and try to buy life saving medicines? Would I have been a child-bride myself, subjected to years of unrelenting sexual and physical abuse?

Would I have had to endure the extreme anguish of watching my loved ones suffer. through hunger and oppression? I ask myself, and you “Is the world fair?”, NO! it isn’t!!!!

Do I feel a sense of helplessness? Yes, absolutely, in some ways, as I can’t simply swoop down and pick up all the sick and wounded, the hurting, the lost and the broken up in my arms, and make everyone’s lives better. I can’t … but there are some things I can do, there are things we can all do.

I know there are so many atrocities, so much suffering in this world. So what can I do? I know I can instantly be a more compassionate and empathetic human, showing by example, so my children grow up knowing they are privileged, and that at any moment life can change. I want them to have a sense of humility and gratitude. An attitude for Gratitude. But more than that, I want them to grow up and be part of the social and political system that creates powerful and sweeping social change. I know that suffering is not just happening ‘out there’, but also here at home in Australia.

I know there are social inequalities, prejudices and systemic racist rhetoric that still exists. If anyone attempted to deny this I would easily say either that their sense of privilege had blinded them to reality, or they were either liars or living in the shadowlands of denial. I know what suffering is, I grew up poor, I saw what the ravages of trauma, loss and grief could do to families and individuals. I saw what psychosis and drug addiction could do to families. I saw all of it … but even through all my loss and pain, I am still aware enough to know that perhaps I wouldn’t have come out of it as unscathed if I hadn’t been a white Australian. I still had ‘white privilege’, although somewhere way down on the pecking order in life. What I did have was the opportunity to break out of my social constructs and reinvent myself, claim my own journey, my own future, not accepting the social trajectory that others may have chosen for me.

I also know there is incredible disharmony and racist rhetoric in America, and the rest of the world. I know that there are amazing people, beautiful people who embody empathy, compassion and kindness. However, the numbers of sick and twisted people seems to be growing. I know that each and every one of us has within our power to be part of the social change needed to ensure all of us get to experience human rights. It’s as simple as smiling at a stranger. It’s as simple as becoming informed, signing a petition, painting a placard and attending a ‘peaceful demonstration’ … it is about VOTING. It is about not looking away when you see or hear an injustice being carried out against another vulnerable person, or group.

It is about shining a light into the abyss of the dark ugly truth. It is about saying ‘No!’ and making those in positions of power responsible and accountable for any social injustices. This all takes courage and a burning sense of compassion and passion. Human Rights are Human rights and should be for every single person, regardless of your ethnicity, colour of your skin, sexual identity, age, ability, gender identity.

To be able to live your best life is also important. This includes getting education, asking questions, being informed and knowing what it is that ‘really floats your boat’ creatively, emotionally, spiritually, physically, cognitively or any other ‘ively’ you can think about. It is about finding your voice, and learning to speak up for yourself and others.

So getting back to my dream goals, my passions, I am working on my dream goals and ambitions. I am slowly edging my way closer and closer. And as I do I feel a renewed sense of purpose and joy in my step. So what are my so-called great and amazing goals and plans, I hear you ask? ….. to be a full-time writer and photographer.

I have always enjoyed words, enjoyed creating images in my mind, watching in amazement as I somehow breathe life into them. I find the whole writing process awe inspiring. To be able to take and make ideas work, to feel the purge of inspiration flow through my very being, resulting in words, poetry, prose and image, is incredibly rewarding.

My mind is always switched on, not in the hyperactive, incessant sounds and thoughts, not as an unpleasant cacophony of sound, but rather the smooth and melodic sounds of ‘flow’. I notice the small things, the wafts of dappled sunlight as they capture tiny suspended particles of dust, the falling leaves as they tumble through the sky. The look of sadness behind a person’s smile, the glint of humour in a person’s eye. The nervous tremor of excitement in another person voice. I listen to their words, and more importantly to what they do not say. I listen to my own silence, my thoughts and humbly appreciate the source of inspiration. Are we not all conduits?

I want to write other people’s stories. I want to help co-create safe spaces where they are free to find their ‘voices’. I would love to capture their incredible energy through both image and word. Sharing their stories, their lessons and truths. I want to make sure that everyone, regardless of who they are, and where they’re from get to leave an indelible mark on the world. My heart breaks for the millions of stories that have gone untold …. unheard …. forgotten. Surely they all get sucked up into some energetic maelstrom … where they will never see the light of day. I have promised to myself and the Universe that my parents story will be told, as it is one of great purpose.

Now if you have made it through to the end of this BLOG … I say thank you … As I know this one has been somewhat disjointed, due to the impact of ‘The Fisherman’s Diary” had on me …. So thankyou …. Oh and hold your loved ones dear ….